Because I am a Woman
This blog is about sex-positivity, sex-ed, feminism, reproductive justice, birth justice, intersectionality, and activism.
Feel free to send me a message with your questions about sexual health, feminism, or anything else!
For more information about any of these things please check out the resources tab or leave me a question in my ask box! I would love to talk to you!
If you have anything you would like to bring to my attention or ask that you do not feel comfortable submitting to this page send me an email at: becauseiamawoman.tumblr@gmail.com
Many thanks to Susan of susanharkins.com for designing my logo!
Since we’re going to talk about BDSM a lot on this blog, safety is important. This is REALLY wordy because I’m passionate about this subject. I’m the daughter of a wood & metal shop teacher so it’s in my blood. Safety comes first, always! Always always always, even if it’s just you going “let’s get stupid and wrestle until one of us gets a bloody nose but cry out if you get a cracked rib!!” (But seriously kids, safety first.)
There are all kinds of wonderful safety tips out there depending on what kind of kink or sex activity you participate in, and I fully encourage you to seek out the opinions of those more qualified than I. That said, these are our personal golden three rules. Even if the second one isn’t relevant every time (bondage isn’t always involved, I think) it’s good to always know: how will I communicate if something goes wrong? What if it’s big, or just trivial? Does this person *actually* know what they’re doing — where’s the references from other play partners? Do I feel okay about this? You gotta take care of yourself! Click on the above comic for a bigger version.
We still don’t have any questions in our ask box! Until we get any, we’ll just keep chugging along with BDSM-related stuff. However, the point of this blog is to get us to experiment in order to answer your questions — so go go go, ask ask ask!
POE is awesome, just FYI.
—BB
(via voicesforchoices)
Dental Dams are rectangular barriers, often made of latex, used during oral sex - anally or vaginally - to reduce the risk of STI transmission.
How to Use a Dental Dam
- Lightly rinse your dental dam in lukewarm water to remove any powder. Talc and starch contribute to infections.
- Inspect the barrier for damage or tears by holding it up to a light.
- Place water-based lube on the side that will be held against the recipient.
- Stretch the dam across the receptive body part.
- Do what you do, without turning the dam. The giver has a side and the receiver has a side. If anything happens to confuse which side is which, get a new dam!
- When you are finished, removed the dam, wrap it up and dispose of it so no one can come into contact with it. Do NOT flush it.
How to Make a Dental Dam
Dental dams can be hard to find and are not usually available at your local pharmacy. You may have to improvise and make one at home:
- From a Condom - Cut the tip off of the condom, slit the condom up the side and lay flat.
- From a Glove - Cut the fingers and thumb off of the glove. Slit the glove up the side and lay flat.
- Plastic Wrap - Just tear off a piece of wrap from your kitchen drawer. As long as it hasn’t been heated, microwaveable wrap is safe.
Notes
- Do NOT reuse a barrier. The barrier can be compromised after the first use and cleaning doesn’t ensure all germs are removed.
- Do NOT use a dam for more than one body part. Vaginal to anal or back again can contribute to infections.
- If you make a dam at home be sure to use a compatible lube. Lube improves sensation for the recipient.
- Either partner can hold the dam. Figure out what works best for you and yours.
On a Personal Note
I personally prefer plastic wrap; it is thinner for improved sensation and the size is larger making it easier to use and more likely to cover the entire area. I keep a box by the bed for convenience.
Wield it Wednesday is our weekly post on technique and other technical aspects of play.
Safewords and safesigns are verbal or non-verbal signals that are used to communicate with partners during any kind of sexy fun time that the activity needs stop, may be too intense or that a check-in is needed. Safewords are not just for submissives or bottoms; dominants and tops need safewords too.
Play spaces can be loud, so putting a safesign in place gives you more options for communicating with the people you play with. Nonverbal signs are an imperative if someone in the scene is to be gagged or if someone in the scene is hearing impaired.
(Aside: My spouse and I have a safesign for everyday life. It’s how I let them know that it’s time to leave unending family gatherings or that I don’t feel safe in a given situation. One long, firm hand squeeze means “I’m okay.” Two quick hands squeezes mean “Time to go.” We use a similar signal for play.)
Below is my favorite set up for safewords and safesigns. I’m a fan of the stoplight system. YMMV*!
Verbal Safewords
- Safeword 1: Red - All activity is to stop immediately.
- Safeword 2: Yellow - A check-in or adjustment is needed.
Non-verbal Check-ins
- Non-verbal check-in: Two squeezes - Are you with me?
- Response 1: One squeeze - A more direct check-in is needed.
- Response 2: Two squeezes - Active consent to continue the scene.
“Drop Out”
If you or your partner do not have the dexterity or are not in a position to squeeze you can give the bottom something to hold. When the bottom drops the item, it is time for a direct check-in. Keys, stress balls and even bandanas can make good “drop out” items.
Notes
- Negotiate safewords/signs in advance. Make sure the signals are something everyone will understand. (“Harder” is not a good safeword ;o)
- Always honor the safeword/safesign agreement. Once the safeword/sign is used, consent is revoked; to continue is assault.
- Don’t joke about safewords. Don’t joke that you won’t honor them, don’t jokingly use them in a scene and don’t shame a bottom out of using them.
- Check-in. Check-ins don’t have to break the mood; stay connected with your partner’s emotional and physical state. “Are you with me?”
- Use your safewords/signs. Using your safeword does not make you less of a bottom; it makes you a trustworthy bottom with good judgment.
If you are at a public event or play space “Safeword” can be used to signal that outside assistance is needed. It communicates to others that you have attempted to communicate a safeword/safesign to your partner and it is not being honored.
It’s Safety Sunday: Be safe! Have fun!
*YMMV - Your Mileage May Vary
Bondage is a fantasy that many find alluring. You may want to do the tying or be tied up. You might love the beauty of a perfect knot. Or perhaps you want to tie your lover up in a quick and effective manner to quell their struggle. You may like to stand back and tease your helpless mate. Maybe you lust to feel the rope against your skin as your partner pulls and pushes you off balance as they tighten their control, while always keeping you safe. You may have visions of using rope to secure optimal positions for intercourse and penetration. These desires are valid and you can achieve them. Let’s start by finding the right rope for you and get you started.
TYPES OF ROPE
Hemp: The highest quality natural fiber rope available, but a little rougher sensation on the skin than other ropes. (Some people like it like that!) Traditionally used on sailing ships, this attests to hemps wear-ability and how well it will hold a knot. Not to mention it has an awesome natural scent that many people find very sexy. It is a bit more expensive because the fiber used to construct hemp rope must be imported and fair trade. Hand wash with gentle detergent and hang to dry.Cotton: Traditionally associated with Japanese rope bondage. Soft to the touch and will not rub or chafe the skin. Holds your knots tightly, this can make it hard to undo a very tight knot. It will stretch a bit with use and has no scent. It has a shorter life span when compared to other ropes. To clean cotton rope, slip it in a lingerie bag to keep it from getting tangled and machine wash with like colors. Use cold water and air dry to avoid shrinking.
Nylon: Sensual as it moves over bare skin. It is durable, easy to clean and maintain. Nylon rope has no smell. It will stretch with repeated use, up to 20% in length. It will not hold a knot as tight as other options listed here. To clean nylon rope, slip it in a lingerie bag to keep it from getting tangled and machine wash with like colors. This bondage kit with nylon rope is a great deal and a great way to launch into rope and sensation play.
STORAGE
Keep your rope organized so you are ready for spontaneous play! Wind it up neatly and tuck it away where it will stay dry.SAFETY
One of the reasons people become so fixated on rope bondage is because there is always more to learn. But always start with learning how to keep a bound partner safe.Here are a few basic tips:
- Keep a set of Safety Scissors on hand for quick release. (If not an emergency, untying someone can be as sensual as tying them up!)
- Don’t tie too tight. You should be able to slip two fingers in between the rope and skin.
- Check in periodically to ensure the bound partner is comfortable. Ensure that parts of their body are not falling asleep, tingly or experiencing numbness. Have them wiggle their fingers and toes for you.
- If you are bound, tell your partner about any medical issues or old injuries you may have. Communicate issues along the way so your partner can assist.
- Never bind a person’s neck. Be very cautious about joints and circulations points.
- Never leave a bound partner alone.
- Don’t let someone you don’t know tie you up.
MORE RESOURCES
Read books with your lover… look at the images, soak up the knowledge of experienced players, talk about what appeals to you and may not and use that as a guide for where you may take each other next. The Erotic Bondage Handbook by bestselling author Jay Wiseman is a perfect primer. And Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes is packed full of photos that illustrate technique.
Several factors cloud perspectives on BDSM and make it all the more difficult for the feminist women involved. For a start, pornography is not the most accurate portrayal of the scene. Sure it’s hot, and I’m a big proponent of porn, but it’s helpful to consider the differences between a kinky scene of whips and chains on the set of an adult entertainment film and incorporating similar stuff into a real life relationships. That is, porn will cut straight to the juicy middle of the action hot XXX material, but in reality (at least when you’re trying it out for the first time) there’s a whole lot of less sexy stuff either side. Boundaries established, safe words outlined, choices made and consent declared. Now, this can come about as a casual conversation and needn’t be a signed contract, but nevertheless it happens and makes a big difference to the personal security and state of mind of all participants.
Similarly, I doubt many practitioners of bondage and discipline get up and go about their day qualm free immediately after a session, or even roll over and go to sleep. Fetish clubs have ‘aftercare’ rooms for a reason. Sex involving BDSM is bound to be intense, and as part of a relationship where the ‘normal’ power dynamic is very different from the ‘sexual’ one even more so. The sex I have with my partner is genuinely scary, genuinely painful and I couldn’t be happier with this. But it means the attention I need afterwards is heightened and different from more typical sex. I need reassurance and comfort, and my partner knows this and will always provide.
Heresy Corner: Fifty Shades of Grr (via sexisnottheenemy)
This entire article has to be read, because it is fucking awesome.
—BB
(via fuckyeahsexpositivity)
(via fuckyeah-consent)
The diversity of adult entertainment is so great that just talking about ‘porn’ as if it’s one big pink throbbing homogeneous mass is profoundly ignorant, whether its the subject of a campaign or a research question. For example, a paper by Michael Flood suggests “exposure to pornography helps to sustain young people’s adherence to sexist and unhealthy notions of sex and relationships,” but would we see the same impact from Maggie Mayhem’s feminist porn that we would from Playboy?
Lumping the two together is like trying to ask, “do video games make people violent,” without bothering to differentiate between the Grand Theft Auto series and Pacman. It undermines research, but more seriously it can lead people to tackle the wrong problem. It could well be true, for example, that the majority of porn reinforces misogynistic attitudes, and that this could damage young children as a result; but if that’s the case then the problem is misogyny, not pornography, and it needs to be tackled wherever it appears, not just in the adult entertainment industry.
Porn panic! | Martin Robbins | The Lay Scientist | Science | guardian.co.uk (via sexisnottheenemy)
Relevant
(via sexreeducated)
A great post. There is porn that helps, porn that hurts, and porn that can do some combination of the two - but just like any other film or media industry, it is not “pornography” that is inherently flawed. Just the way that it is sometimes presented.
(via thecsph)
(via thecsph)
